Ergh.
Until really recently one of the big ways that I would get triggered was by people (especially other life coach-y types) talking about choice, and the idea of everything being a choice.
It felt like they were assuming that my life was the same as theirs, and that they were accusing me of somehow choosing hard things that happened.
Like there was another path that would be preferable that I wasn’t choosing. But, if it was preferable, I would take it! Ergh.
I couldn't see it.
Now, I still don't believe that there is ALWAYS a choice - there are definitely things that I HAVE to do.
I don’t believe we choose it all, or manifest it all.
I believe in chance, chaos, human incompetence and systems that are often oppressive. And I believe there can be moments of power and magic in the middle of all that.
But I have had a bit of a light bulb moment with this one, and I want to share it in case it was helpful.
Sometimes, I AM choosing when I don't realise it.
Sometimes, I am choosing to do something I really don't want to do because it feels, on a subconscious level, like the easier option than kicking up a fuss, saying no, or choosing something else.
That alternative feels so impossibly awful that it doesn’t feel like a path I could take. It feels invisible, but actually it’s scary, so I’m not looking at it.
So, I will be sitting there, heading towards the thing I ‘have’ to do, feeling miserable about it, and really not seeing that other path as an option. When in that instance, actually, I COULD choose something else.
It would just offend some people, or it might mean that there would be a backlash of some kind that I (and probably others that I love) would have to deal with.
But it’s there. I’m just not choosing it, for a whole ton of reasons…
I’m playing with this still, catching myself in those grumbling ‘I have to’ moments. Noticing what the alternatives might be, and why I don’t want to choose them instead.
And it is weirdly empowering, as well as uncomfortable.
It’s a form of shadow work, in this shadowy time of the year, noticing the hidden bits and sticky bits of myself, and how this can tie in with martyr patterns. How the ‘I have to do this’ pattern can melt into a ‘poor me’ vibe.
Noticing how driven I can be by needing validation, needing to be liked, not wanting to ‘make a fuss.’
Ooph.
It’s a little bit nauseating at first, this type of shadow work, and then becomes really beautiful and freeing.
I’m massively grateful to Wild Essence for their incredible Sovereign course for helping me to bring new layers to this self awareness work.
You can find out more about Sovereign - a dreamy, difficult, powerful programme here (affiliate link).